The Anchor

i find myself walking around lately
equal parts pain and bliss
my physical form continues to deteriorate
it seems like this now current state of pain
has somehow always been there
i have a hard time remembering what it was like
getting through the day without it
this body has become so heavy, so weighed down

it’s a blessing in disguise

this deadweight is an anchor to a world
that i will soon leave behind
the earth can keep my body
my spirit is already leaving
free from the tethers of the mass it leaves below

bliss is feeling pain and not being owned by it
bliss is having the clarity to know that everything “man-made” is trivial
(and that applies to your social, econmic and authoritarian structures)
bliss, true bliss is no longer caring about anything

it all goes straight through me now


One Second of Eternity

There is no relief tonight,
just minutes chasing hours,
and hours chasing minutes,
Stuck in a loop
Stuck in a space that I’ve spent too much time in.
Can there be any oxygen left in this box?
Am I even breathing anymore?
Am I breathing any less?
I need to break myself out of this
I can’t keep up with the flood
crashing down on me like a tsunami
filling me up with this fucking grey sludge
There has to be a crack in this wall somewhere
Just point me in the direction
I don’t care if I have to kick
or scratch at it for the rest of my life
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something

Subhuman Waltz

You my friend, are no match for me tonight
Ill-willed and flaunting my spine of razor blades
Tongued with venom,
just beneath these passive aggressive lips
You better believe that I’m a viper
This ratty-ass mask is starting to fray
Wore it too tight,
for way too long
I’m fucking sick of it anyways.
What am I doing here?
Where the hell am I going?
Life is just a big game of jenga
Pluck this piece, pluck that one
Oh my! Look at white boy dance.
Yeah, I’m dancing here
Dancing for my life.
I don’t dare stop, no, there’s no stopping now
If I do..I have no clue what will happen
but for some reason, stopping isn’t an option in my mind
And so here I go, I’m dancing for you.
and you and you and YOU (yes, you).
Please pull the thorns out
I honestly can’t tell what is pain and what is pleasure anymore.
Am I enjoying this?
I can’t tell, I can’t tell.
I have to ask why, why?

2 am, standing outside in the cold
Hoping that I can shiver myself back to reason
Hoping I can freeze a layer or two of this unrelenting chaos
or if nothing else let me freeze in my tracks
unable to make the wrong decision.

Right from wrong sounds so easy
when you’re not in the middle of it.
when it’s not pulling on your strings of sanity
It’s almost time
It’s almost time
to say good bye.

Eyes of the Stranger

How can a life so hollow feel so heavy?

Days flee like wind ripping through my fingers
I can feel everything passing by
but my hands have failed me,
they are the wrong tools to do anything about any thing
So clumsy and awkward, helpless and hopeless
I am going to observe this event called “life”
I will sit still,
with eyes wide as they can be, I will gaze into the mirror
until every last feature on my face becomes unrecognizable to me
I will stare into the eyes of the stranger
I will breathe deep and full
without a drop of worry or guilt,
and for just a moment I will know
that the weight of the world is on his shoulders, not mine.


Each day I learn of things I thought I truly needed, but only wanted.
Each day I learn of things I thought I only wanted, but truly needed.
These days I have to say that I’m wanting less.
These days I have to say that I’m needing less.
I’ve really hit a stride with this reckless abandon.
As frail as I am I am finding that your chains are not so heavy
Your cold not so bitter.
The spaces in my heartbeat are no longer deaths silent knocks,
but fresh air in my lungs
in a world of pollution
I can taste sweet freedom
The kind of heat that doesn’t make me sick.
There is a place where I can be in the sun
Where people sing my songs
There is a place where I can feel you

Though we make the best out of these bodies
searching for the rush, searching for pleasures
We were not created for this kind of containment
Our spirits far exceed our shells.
One day we will all shine with the kind of light that we are truly meant to.

Until then none of us are home.

And so I spend day after day saving up all my light,
buried in small rooms, painted black, blankets on the windows
saving every glimmer of my soul
so that when it’s finally my time to shine
there will be no mistake..


Take anything you’d like,
nothing I’ve ever owned was ever mine anyways.