Hell’s Embrace

I seek comfort in my demons
because my angels never gave a fuck about me.

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When I Trip, I Fly

The jettison has begun
First to go was the care
Second was the weight
Third was the fear.

Now I’m tripping
Now I’m flying
So deep below the radar of your give a shit
So high above mine
I’m in a nosedive
Head first into the spirit world
Speaking to things just as shallow and hollow as me.

Yeah, you are my kind.
We are GHOSTS
Fuck these mortals
Fuck these mortal bodies
Fuck their money
Fuck their drama
Fuck their everything
Fuck Fuck Fuck
Fuck it all, we don’t need any of it anymore.

I am not afraid.
I’m looking you DEAD in the eye
and I am telling you
I am not afraid.

More Than Not

 

There is a lot of noise in my head tonight.
I suppose it started with a trickle when I woke up this morning afternoon.
Some days are just like that, you know?

You wake up and life tastes a certain way
before you even comprehend how you feel.
The trickle slowly turned into a stream,
the stream slowly turned into a torrent
and now everything is drowning.

I don’t know when it started,
it’s always been there.
I’ve been told not to focus on time,
but focus on the moment
seize it, live it, and all that jazz.

I can’t.  I never really could.
All I’ve ever seen is time, decay and death.

Everything around me is dying.
Some things slowly, some things quickly.
Me myself, I am dying.
Some days it scares the hell out of me
I am so in tune to time and death that I feel like..

We are moving really fast,
towards our inevitable end.
I cling to my thoughts,
I try really hard to get a grip on the “moment”
but moments pass way faster than we could ever dream of catching.

And so they keep flying by
another and another and another moment passes.
Sure you can steal some memories along the way,
but you can never truly ever embrace time,
or life for that matter…

And even still, I take it all for granted
It’s our nature.
We all do it, and we all keep doing it until it’s too late.

Til the moment is truly gone.

And you feel the floor give out from under you
And you hate yourself for not being more appreciative
If only I had one more day,
just give me 10 minutes,
5 minutes to say everything I needed to say
one last time.

I made people cry today. It wasn’t my intention,
but I spoke my mind and I spoke my black little heart
and people forget sometimes who I am.

what I am right now is sorry,
and I can say it to everyone
but certain facts remain what they are
and no amount of apologies is going to change that.

My path began and will end the same.
If I could just find a way to silence the death.

I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes

Sometimes I’ll sit here in this quiet apartment
and it dawns on me (again)
I look around at my surroundings,
I look at myself in the mirror
and I have to ask myself
How did I get here?
Where has the time gone?
When can I go home?

I may be numb to it most of the time,
but deep down I really just want to go home.

A hippie and a witch walk into a bar…

Mind is overloaded
Heart beats
Breath staggers
forming some sort of twisted funeral dirge.
It certainly seems that all signs point this way and not that.

It’s better this way
I’m better when I’m not trusted to feed the needy.
My menu consists of 2 options for you:
1. Retreat
2. Starve

I was never a good cook
in fact I was never good at anything

except

u
n
r
a
v
e
  l
l
 i
n
g

Every eye that locks me
Every voice in my ear
Every hand that touches me
pulling at my thread.

Orbit

I am thoroughly puzzled by your intent
and because I don’t know what it is
I’ve gone and created a phantom
that I allow to haunt
in the spot that you have etched for yourself
within my precarious universe.

I’m begging you, I’m warning you
DO NOT ENTER
There is no more room
I’m telling you to go away
get the fuck away from me
Please
I will not have yet another soul crushed , smashed
within this relentless, sickening twist of gravity
Everything I touch begins to sway, and buckle and corrode
I am poison

No one who has ever gotten close enough to taste it
has come out of it the same after.
And if this is a game to you
you’re only playing with yourself.

So what is this?

Water in my Hands

“You’re so distant”
I’m sorry it’s not completely intentional,
(but it is a little)
“You hate me”
No, I definitely don’t,

I’m 36 years old now
I was in kindergarten when it dawned on me that we die
and that when we die our bodies don’t magically vanish, like Yoda.
No, we rot. I have my own theories about what happens when we die,
but this entry isn’t about that.

I’m having a hard time focusing here.

If I can’t keep you, I don’t want you.
Not because I DON’T want you,
it’s because I can’t have you.
Until I can physically – actually freeze time
and stop this world from spinning
stop the clock from ticking
stop our bodies from the slow decomposition that is aging..
I’ll never have you.
Time, love, life is much like trying to hold water in the palm of your hand.
You feel it in the *moment* that it’s passing through your fingers
no matter how you try to squeeze them to savour it –
it still finds its way past.
You can’t grip it, you can’t really hold it
it all slips away too fast
and you end up empty-handed

it hurts

it hurts realizing that everything is dying around you
that you are just as much of a ghost as the people you surround yourself with

We all go alone in the end,
So even at 36 years old, I’m still trying to learn how to let go
of things that were never mine in the first place
that no matter how hard or how long I try to cling to them
that they will never ever be mine.

I feel sorry for anyone who has ever tried to have a relationship with me.
I just can’t stop these thoughts and feelings
they never sleep.