One Second of Eternity

There is no relief tonight,
just minutes chasing hours,
and hours chasing minutes,
Stuck in a loop
Stuck in a space that I’ve spent too much time in.
Can there be any oxygen left in this box?
Am I even breathing anymore?
Am I breathing any less?
I need to break myself out of this
I can’t keep up with the flood
crashing down on me like a tsunami
filling me up with this fucking grey sludge
There has to be a crack in this wall somewhere
Just point me in the direction
I don’t care if I have to kick
or scratch at it for the rest of my life
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something to focus on
just give me something

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Not Me

My mood and mind seem to continue to gradually slip down this slope of..I don’t know what it is exactly.  It’s not really depression, but it’s not a overly pleasant place to be in. I consider it more of  a ‘stark-realization-of-self’.

I think I have it figured out.  We, humans are built for a particular purpose, like all the other animals – our instinct, and purpose really boils down to survival of our race or species. That’s why we fight and fuck, it is at the core of our design to survive, no matter who we fight or fuck to get there.

So here I am, 37 years old, my current lifestyle or life path is not one that genetics had in mind for me, it’s also not what the American society has built for me.  I’m suppose to be married, and have kids, a job that pays.  My life is supposed to be in the pocket now, and it should now be about putting my desires aside in the interest of giving my children the best future that I can – ensuring the survival of my race/species.

But I don’t have any of that, and I honestly don’t know if I ever will. In my heart, or mind I feel like I’m drifting further away every day. I feel like the dot on your GPS that took too many wrong turns, and now I’m so far away from the lit up path.  Just a dot floating free on a map (recalculating). Perhaps it would help if my path had a destination. I have no destination.  Sure I set up little things here and there that I look forward to doing, but my life has no master plan.  I think I could have one if I truly wanted one, but when I get to close to anything that resembles a master plan – I suddenly feel the walls closing in on me.  I guess I feel that once you surrender your path to that master plan, that all the excitement and possibilities of life are gone.  You are locked on that lit path on your GPS and there isn’t a whole lot of wiggle room.  And to me, there is no magic on a set path.

So you see it’s a constant battle for me.  I simply can’t have both and to attempt a middle of the road approach that I feel would do neither path justice.  I’ve said before sometimes I wish I could have a few tries at life.  One lifetime to do the traditional family path, one to lifetime to fully devote to music on the road. Actor, artist, etc…I know people will say I can have it all, but I know I can’t, at least not the way that I would like to – And so I have my freedom, no foundation but no chains, just myself.

I do feel my prime is in the past, I feel like a ghost, reliving old memories knowing what’s past is past. I just take it day by day, who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Not me.

Took a Train

Took a train to New York City
a smelly guy sat by me the whole time
watching every little thing that I would scribble in my notebook
I felt a headache coming on
I felt the world getting warmer and warmer
the doors opened to a land of fire and chaos
The city never sleeps,
Dragon’s breath bounced between the towering buildings
searching for a breeze, searching for a view above the hustle and bustle
there is no more freedom above the city than there is among it.

Took a train to Washington D.C.,
a pretty girl sat next to me the whole time
not noticing any little thing that I would scribble in my notebook
I felt a heartbreak coming on
I felt the world getting bigger and bigger
the doors opened and I was hit with colors and sound
The city sang in harmony, their hearts beat in unison
Our hands reached as high as our bodies would allow,
desperate to catch a handful of hope
as it fell like rain from the sky
Longing for a split second of peace, for a hint of reciprocation
but there is no more freedom above us than there is among us

Took a train to Pennsylvania….

Subhuman Waltz

You my friend, are no match for me tonight
Ill-willed and flaunting my spine of razor blades
Tongued with venom,
just beneath these passive aggressive lips
You better believe that I’m a viper
This ratty-ass mask is starting to fray
Wore it too tight,
for way too long
I’m fucking sick of it anyways.
What am I doing here?
Where the hell am I going?
Life is just a big game of jenga
Pluck this piece, pluck that one
Oh my! Look at white boy dance.
Yeah, I’m dancing here
Dancing for my life.
I don’t dare stop, no, there’s no stopping now
If I do..I have no clue what will happen
but for some reason, stopping isn’t an option in my mind
And so here I go, I’m dancing for you.
and you and you and YOU (yes, you).
Please pull the thorns out
I honestly can’t tell what is pain and what is pleasure anymore.
Am I enjoying this?
I can’t tell, I can’t tell.
I have to ask why, why?

2 am, standing outside in the cold
Hoping that I can shiver myself back to reason
Hoping I can freeze a layer or two of this unrelenting chaos
or if nothing else let me freeze in my tracks
unable to make the wrong decision.

Right from wrong sounds so easy
when you’re not in the middle of it.
when it’s not pulling on your strings of sanity
It’s almost time
It’s almost time
to say good bye.