Not Me

My mood and mind seem to continue to gradually slip down this slope of..I don’t know what it is exactly.  It’s not really depression, but it’s not a overly pleasant place to be in. I consider it more of  a ‘stark-realization-of-self’.

I think I have it figured out.  We, humans are built for a particular purpose, like all the other animals – our instinct, and purpose really boils down to survival of our race or species. That’s why we fight and fuck, it is at the core of our design to survive, no matter who we fight or fuck to get there.

So here I am, 37 years old, my current lifestyle or life path is not one that genetics had in mind for me, it’s also not what the American society has built for me.  I’m suppose to be married, and have kids, a job that pays.  My life is supposed to be in the pocket now, and it should now be about putting my desires aside in the interest of giving my children the best future that I can – ensuring the survival of my race/species.

But I don’t have any of that, and I honestly don’t know if I ever will. In my heart, or mind I feel like I’m drifting further away every day. I feel like the dot on your GPS that took too many wrong turns, and now I’m so far away from the lit up path.  Just a dot floating free on a map (recalculating). Perhaps it would help if my path had a destination. I have no destination.  Sure I set up little things here and there that I look forward to doing, but my life has no master plan.  I think I could have one if I truly wanted one, but when I get to close to anything that resembles a master plan – I suddenly feel the walls closing in on me.  I guess I feel that once you surrender your path to that master plan, that all the excitement and possibilities of life are gone.  You are locked on that lit path on your GPS and there isn’t a whole lot of wiggle room.  And to me, there is no magic on a set path.

So you see it’s a constant battle for me.  I simply can’t have both and to attempt a middle of the road approach that I feel would do neither path justice.  I’ve said before sometimes I wish I could have a few tries at life.  One lifetime to do the traditional family path, one to lifetime to fully devote to music on the road. Actor, artist, etc…I know people will say I can have it all, but I know I can’t, at least not the way that I would like to – And so I have my freedom, no foundation but no chains, just myself.

I do feel my prime is in the past, I feel like a ghost, reliving old memories knowing what’s past is past. I just take it day by day, who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Not me.

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