Almost Automatic

They coddled me as if…
A carrot, dangling from a string
A light at the end of the tunnel
– even if it was a tunnel of terror
there was a sense of, I don’t know..acknowledgment.

They lured me in on the day they gave me
it smelled like coffee,
I heard the guy on tv talking about the weekend weather.

But I didn’t see anyone there.
I was worried that I was going to be late,
but I didn’t see anyone there…

And that moment, I remember it
I remember the gears starting to turn in my head.

Foreshadow, foresight, call it whatever you’d like.

After some time she appeared down the hallway,
I know we locked eyes for a second, just for a second
before she quickly turned and vanished.

A few more moments would pass.

She re-appeared, she said “I’ll just get you right in”
Almost automatically I stood
Almost automatically I smiled and walked towards her.

As she led me down the hallway,
she didn’t turn her head to look back
but she asked “How are you today?”
Before I could answer she said “Probably better if you weren’t here”

Those particular words,
in that particular order resonated fast and deep.
Almost automatically I replied “Yeah, unfortunately that’s true”

She led me to the place,
She questioned me and I spoke
I spoke fast, as if time was more precious than gold
I must get every word in to explain the severity of my problem
as if soon the door would close
and my window of opportunity would close with it
and then I would be left with this feeling.

I didn’t want that.

And so I spoke fast, as if time was more precious than gold.

But my words  carried little weight,
I could feel them fluttering from my mouth
light and meaningless
they went straight through her
her large brown eyes looked at me,
her large brown eyes looked through me.


Another face, more words, storage space is full.
“I wonder what’s for dinner”

She left the place shortly after,
I sat with my fingers in my ears –
so that I wouldn’t have to hear the noises around me
I talked quietly to myself
I don’t remember what I said, no one does.

Then the man emerged
The tone of his greeting spoke volumes
It set me on my heels instantly
It set the gears in my head moving,
clicking, grinding faster.

It happened so fast
And with a pretty purple bow
he confirmed my entire existence in 5 words.


He took my money and sent me home.

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